WEBSITE!!!! Getting married. Can't wait.

30 days

Well, here we are. In 30 days from today, I'll be starting my journey westward, to the great state of Arizona. Seems like it's been a long time coming, but at the same time, I can't believe it's almost here. Moving is almost always on my mind, occupying some sort of thought process, whether it's at the forefront of my attention or hanging out near the rear of my brain's priority list. The thing is, the closer I get to January 7th, the more real this thing gets. The deeper I feel it. The more emotional I feel when I think about how few times a year I'll see my family. I'm on the verge of collecting my diploma, taking boards and being a licensed PTA, but that seems so irrelevant right now. Sometimes when I think about the day I leave, how crazy that will be, I get a little choked up, feel a little more anxious, and have doubts. But I know this is what I want. I know more and more when I see the snow, the rain, feel the cold when I lift up my covers of my bed, see how Jessica talks to her parents, how she gets excited when we are talking about our new life, that this is the right choice right now. But it's far from easy. I don't want to miss out on our family growing up - Julia and James getting older, Madison going into the whirlwind of teenage-hood, and little Henry. I don't want to be away as my parents retire, go on long walks, and sit on the front porch as the sun sets in the summer. I don't want to be so far as my parents get older. That scares me the most. I don't want to be unable to see them if they are ill.
I'm almost there, the day to leave. It seems so odd because I've lived at my parents house for 2 and a half years as I've been in school, and they're about to move out of it just as I am leaving. Everything is changing. I'm trying to be ready for this, but a lot is happening all at once. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I'm excited. Mostly I'm just ready for this to happen.

oh man.

Man, it seems like time flies. It feels like just yesterday that Jessica and I decided that we would move together to Arizona once her lease was up, in December of 2010. At the time, December seemed like a lifetime away. Now it's the end of September and time seems to speed up the closer we get to the end of the year. I'm so completely unprepared for a cross-country move that it seems a little silly that I'm even planning one. But I am, and I want this. I want to start a new page in my life and this is how I am going to do it. It's going to be so different. So incredibly different that anything I've ever done in the past. I lived on the OSU camps for 3 years, but I went home at least twice a month and I could literally go home whenever I felt like it. Gone are those days. I live at home right now, but our family is so busy that I see everyone once a week, at the most. Sometimes it's longer. I have a feeling I'm going to be doing a bit of crying when I leave. I am excited for a lot of reasons though, and not the least of which is getting a fresh new look with the weather. It has been unseasonably wet this September and I feel like I'm in the doldrums with all of these grey, rainy days that we are being punished with.
I'll miss so much here and I'm especially weary of leaving the little ones. I have a pretty good relationship with them now and I feel like whenever I come back they're going to have forgotten how we used to play and only think of me as that weird uncle they only see a couple of times a year. I know how I felt about those uncles when I was young, and I don't want that to happen to Julia and James, and especially little Henry. I didn't get a chance to know him.
Time grows short, the time to move is near. I just hope I can be as ready as possible when that day comes.

Song and dance

There’s something about listening to music that puts my mind at ease. Sometimes I listen intently - I want to know every note, ever lyric, intimately. There are other times where music is simply in the background of whatever I’m doing and I barely notice it. But it’s there. And I feel like I need it. It’s one of my favorite pastimes... Just lying on my bed, listening to music. Most of the time I don’t even care what kind of music it is. Music that can make me dance, think, dream of a better life... anything. I think it’s amazing what kind of an effect music can have on someone - an infectious beat can make people get up in front of people and try to dance (me!) or a mellow song can relax you. Music triggers so many memories - how many special times are brought back when you hear the song that you have associated with that music? It’s amazing. It’s beautiful. I can’t get enough of it.

Move?

Yesterday I spent the majority of my time at work thinking about things that are entirely not related to my job. I thought about how much I feel like I’ve wasted of my ability. I like to think of myself as pretty smart. I also know one thing about myself: I’m about as much of an underachiever as there is. I skated by on the bare minimum in college. Now instead of doing something that really could be special, I’m getting an associates degree at a trade school. Maybe in the grand scheme of things that’s not that disappointing, but to me, it is. It’s embarrassing. It’s pathetic. I know how much I could do and I see how much of that I’ve really done and that makes me want to puke.
So that’s the pretense to this blog post. Today is May 8th, 2011, which happens to also be Mother’s day. I told my dad today that my plan was to move to Arizona by December of this year. This was probably a bad idea, to reveal to your mother that you’ll be moving to the other side of the country on mother’s day. I love my girlfriend so much, and her parents are now living there. I know how much my mom misses her family and I don’t want Jessica to regret living her life so far from her family. I also know how much I’ve messed up so far. I don’t want to make this biggest mistake in my life thus far (On a side note, I’ve wanted to move to Phoenix ever since about 2005 when my friend TJ moved out there with his family, so this isn’t totally out of left field for my family). The only problem is that I’ll miss family more than anything. I love them more than I could explain. I know I’ll be moving. I know I’ll miss them. I just don’t want to add to my mistakes. I want to break out of this slump and become something great. Maybe being a great boyfriend and future husband is something great. I just want to all that I can. I just want to do the right thing for once.

Jessica is my best friend. She's held that position since sophomore year of Ohio State, and now she is my lovely girlfriend. She's there whenever I need her. She understands me better than anyone else. She knows exactly how I feel on the most complex and frustrating feelings. She's a godsend and I am undeserving of her love. I love her more than I could ever express in writing.

Let me whine for a moment...

Things are nuts. They really are. Really nothing that you plan comes to fruition like you thought it would, and so many things that you hadn’t accounted for spring up and (usually) rear their ugly head. Life is crazy. And hard. Maybe you’ll disagree with me, but even as a white American male, life is hard. It’s true that I don’t have many of the challenges that much of the world faces, even those in THIS country. But life is still difficult. For starters, once you get used to living a certain way, it is a straight up SLAP in the face when you can no longer live like that. That’s ridiculously hard. Harder than I would have thought. Cutting back is my least favorite phrase right now.
Another reason why life is hard is because as a white American male who was raised in a reasonably affluent household, there are expectations. Expectations to choose the right major (oops!), get good grades (nope!) graduate (yes, got that one right) go to grad school (how about trade school?) and graduate with a job in a field that is going to make you money. More money than your dad made, buying a bigger house that your parents did. Being a better man that your dad. I feel those pressures. And I have not, and many times feel like I cannot, reach those expectations. I don’t mean to sound like I am complaining.... but I am. I am complaining. My life is good for the most part. But to me, it’s hard. I don’t like it right now.
But it’s not all bad. My girlfriend is honestly about as good of a girlfriend as you could ask for. I’m pretty broke right now and she’s helped me out tremendously. She’s overwhelmingly supportive and that’s what I need right now. She truly is a God-send. She’s all I could have asked for and more. I love her to pieces. Not to mention, she’s an excellent photographer. She makes even ME look half-way decent, and that is a challenge.
But yeah, life update : suck status right now, for the most part.

Dad

This might sound a little bit conceited, but like anchorman, I'm just going to throw it out there. I'm pretty darn good at my job. Heck, I'm good with kids in general. I work with an autistic child, and most of what I do is trying to get him to interact with me. And I can get him to do that fairly well, because he likes me. And he likes me because I am entertaining. And none of this has to do with me.
Every reason I am fun, every way I know how to play, every shred of patience I have in my body (I'm pretty darn patient) comes from what I've learned from my dad. He's quite the gentle soul. I've only seen my dad pissed at me one time. All other times he's kind, caring, listens, is insightful, and is genuinely interested in how I'm doing. Growing up, he'd come home from working all day at the office and we'd eat dinner as a family. I'm sure he would have rather laid around and watched TV, because that's what I see so many other dad's do when they are done working. But that's not what my dad did. My dad would get on the ground, wrestle three mangy kids at once, toss us around, and wear us out. If you've ever worked with kids before, you know they NEVER wear out, and we were BEAT after we were done wrestling with my dad. All this after a full day of work. But he wasn't done. He'd take the time to quiz us on our schoolwork, help us with projects, give us little facts about history, or help us study for our upcoming tests. Dad would be with us throughout the night, right up to the time he tucked us in at night.
My dad did all this because he loved us. But he also did all of this because he was an awesome husband. My sisters and I were home schooled for much of our lives. My mom would not only be a stay at home mom, but also a school teacher for us and other kids who she volunteered to teach as well. By the time that my dad got home from work, she was pretty sick and tired of us kids being little menaces all day. So, because my dad loved my mom so much, he'd take over watching the kids all night. And believe me, after a day full of mom, a playful day was just what the doctor ordered.
My dad has taught me what a man should be. A loving husband, a GREAT dad, and an extremely hard worker. I'll always look up to him as the best man I know.
Thanks dad.

Home

I posted this on tumblr, but it weighs heavily on my heart, so here it is again.

July of 2005 was one of the most exciting times of my life; I had just finished high school, and I was ready to move on to something that I had been looking forward to for as long as I could remember: college. Because my parents had put me in and taken me out of so many different middle schools and high schools (3 different middle schools, 3 different high schools), it was difficult for me to really “fit in” anywhere, make solid friends, or really feel like a part of something. I was grateful for my youth group, but even that was pulled away from me both by my parents - they didn’t like the governing church, and by my youth pastor, who suddenly left to go back to school. I was finally starting something new, something I would be a part of for 4 years (or more!), something that I could belong to. I found that in Ohio State.

I was originally planning on going to Eastern Michigan, for both financial reasons, and because I was immediately accepted into the program I was hoping to major in. Things changed when my parents found out who I would be rooming with. As soon as they found out that my future roommate was a homosexual, they pulled me out of enrollment. The timing couldn’t have been worse - it was August, and I schools on semesters were starting next week. I really only had one option - attend the Newark campus of Ohio State. When I learned that OSUN was my only option, I was extremely upset. I wanted to be a part of something, something big, and a branch of a school did not exactly fit the bill. My only consolation was that I was able to get an apartment with one of my closest friends from church - something that I would not have been able to do if I were a freshman on campus at just about any school. Soon after I started classes, I met another guy who has become my closest friend. Things were starting to look better, but I was still missing the one thing that I had been longing for as long as I could remember - belonging to something. Freshman year came and went, and I as soon as I could, I transferred to the main campus at Ohio State. Finally! I was a part of something! That turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Sophomore year was the year I really became extremely involved emotionally with another friend. I knew my friend (now my lady) Jessica from high school, but due to extenuating circumstances, we weren’t that close. Because we lived in the same dorm and we knew each other a little before we moved in, we started spending most, if not all, our time together. Everything that one of us was invited to do, the other came along, and we became steadfast friends. Sophomore year of college was one year that I will never forget. I had so much fun that year with my new “college” friends and got to know my girlfriend so well that I will always look back on that year as something very special.

Junior and senior years followed suite. I had a pretty typical college career, going to football and basketball games, going to parties, throwing parties, and generally goofing off and having a good time, pretty much all the time. I felt like I was a part of something - especially at the Ohio State sports games. When you’re at a football game and there are 90,000 other people screaming, hoping, willing for the same thing as you, you feel as if you’re a family, as if you are all in the same boat, and no matter what happens, you’re all together. That’s one of the greatest feelings I have ever felt.

After I graduated, I was excited to get away from the “college scene”. I had been to one too many parties, stayed up late one too many times, blew off one too many quizzes. I thought I was moving on. I moved home to continue schooling for my career and I’ve found that nothing can replace that feeling I had. I visited my friends, who were practicing 5 year seniors, and the first time I stepped back on to campus, I just felt weird. It was a feeling that is hard to describe, like seeing someone you loved move on from you. I was no longer a student at Ohio State; It had moved on to the next batch of students, the new kids who would call OSU home and new people who would soak up the pride of being able to say “This is MY school”.

I still struggle with this when I go to school and see the kids at the Marion Campus of Ohio State and I think to myself, “I wish I could be where you are”. My time has passed, but it’s hard to leave all that behind. It’s like leaving a family, and I still struggle to grasp it, but I’m thankful for the time I did have and the friends I made along the way.

At this exact moment...

I’m here. I’m with my friends. Two of my closest friends, to be exact. It’s gray, gray and rainy here in Ohio. One of my friends is listening to Blink-182 using my headphones. He just texted me, while he sits 3 feet away. I’m drinking an extremely sugary beverage from Starbucks.
I lead a boring life.

Back where I feel most comfortable

I'm sitting here, on a Monday morning (now afternoon), thinking about how this is where I feel most comfortable. I'm in front of my computer and have been for the past couple of hours, listening to music, half looking at homework, checking out a bunch of different blogs, and thinking about everything and anything that crosses my mind. I've just finished my winter clinical rotation for physical therapy, and I've never felt better. Because of the time constraints I was under while completing my clinical, I was rarely online, and I missed it sorely. I suppose that is a good indication that I'm addicted to the internet, and if that's the case, then so be it. I honestly love nothing more than perusing the internet and listening to my favorite music. Today is even better because I've discovered my new favorite song. (Listen to it! It's amazing!) Secondly, it's my birthday, and to be honest, I just feel better on my birthday. I love being on social media and seeing people interact with me on these sites is something I really enjoy, maybe too much, and today people are wishing me a happy birthday and making me feel even happier than I have been. It sounds self-centered and juvenile, I know, but that's just me. In any case, this is a perfect day for me. I love all of this. I'm alone, but I don't care. I'm happy where I'm at. I'm here and I'm comfortable.

I'm baaaaack!

It's time for something new! I'm going to write on this thing more than I ever have before, and you guys are going to wish I was going to go back to how it was... but sorry, that's how it's going to be! Well, here goes: I'm an addict. I'm obsessed with social media. I find myself checking Facebook and Twitter as often as I can, and whenever I see that there's something, anything, new, I'm all over it. It's kind of sickening, to tell you the truth. I have so many other things I could be doing that are more productive, but THIS is how I spend my time. I'm emotionally invested in being on top of what everyone is doing and I NEED to be be in the know. I feel so out of the loop if I haven't seen the latest status updates or tweets from the past few hours. In all honesty, it's pretty pathetic. I suppose it stems from a bit of insecurity, but that's a whole other story. I guess what you should take away from this is, if I'm your friend on Facebook, or follow you on Twitter, I'm your best friend because I read what you put online as soon as it goes up, or quite soon after. So keep putting up your personal life! I'm here to read it!